How to Build your Inner Confidence

Confidence is one of those things we would all love to have. It makes us feel good about ourselves and helps to develop great relationships, both in and out of the workplace. But most people, at some point in their lives, lack confidence. They might say:

•  “I’ve never had confidence and was born this way”
• “I used to be confident but certain events/people knocked it out of me”
• “I am confident most of the time except when I have to meet new people / talk in public / drive to a new place” etc…

Do you continuously apologise or even start sentences with “sorry”? Do you think people are judging you and get upset if you are criticised? Or perhaps you judge yourself, comparing yourself negatively to others. Do you have a low self-image, affecting you in social situations? Is perfectionism becoming an issue for you?

These things can greatly influence us all. Many times I have heard from clients that they “feel a fraud” and worry they may be “found out” at work. Do you have negative inner thoughts and often put yourself down? Or do you feel the need to put others down so that you can beef yourself up, hoping they won’t notice your own lack of confidence? Perhaps you are innately shy and avoid much contact with strangers?

Lack of confidence can affect people in many different ways. It can stop them achieving
their dreams and hinder the success of their careers and businesses. It can make meeting people and building relationships difficult. It can make us play safe, avoid new situations and challenges and, if not addressed, can lead to low self-esteem and depression. It can make us feel helpless, angry and doubt ourselves, not to mention the physical effects: feeling flustered, knots tightening in the stomach, shaking, sweating…

Here’s the thing: even the most confident of people can experience times when their levels of self-belief dip. What is crucial to observe is how they handle these difficult times: they have faith in themselves, pick themselves up, even give themselves a good talking to and move on, not allowing the experience to have a negative impact.

 “I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” Anna Freud

1) What is confidence?

To have confidence you need to understand what confidence really means. If you have negative connotations as to what confidence is, then it doesn’t matter what the other
tips below are, you will not want to change. If you are worried that if you become confident, you will also become arrogant, you are not alone. I have had many clients who also believed this myth and it held them back. Truly confident people are not arrogant and don’t need to be. In fact, arrogance is symptomatic of having a lack of confidence.

The best description for what confidence means comes from the Latin origin: from the verb confidere, meaning “to have full trust”.

If you have full trust in yourself, then you have faith in your own judgments, you are more likely to try new things and, crucially, bounce back if things go wrong, knowing no matter what happens, you will be fine.

You are self-accepting and trust in your own abilities. you are happy to invest in yourself, realising it’s good to learn and grow.

Confident people aren’t arrogant, they are just comfortable with who they are and unafraid of how others may perceive them.

Now that you have a better understanding as to what Confidence means – what can you do to start to trust yourself and develop your inner confidence?

2) You are not your past

Often, I have heard clients say they have never had any confidence and that they were born that way. But confidence is not part of our DNA, it’s a skill and a mindset, which can be learned.

Some of us enjoy great role models when we are young, from whom we learn the art and skill of confidence. Some of us, unfortunately, don’t.

One of my clients shared that her parents were both reserved and didn’t like social situations. Consequently, she had picked up many of their traits, believing these to be an intrinsic part of her character. After coaching, she realised this was a misconception, supported by habit, and that she actually had a choice as to how she felt, believed and behaved.

What beliefs about yourself and your past are holding you back? What would you like to believe instead? What role models do you have who could inspire you to behave with self-assurance? Even if your confidence level has been low for many years, the wonderful thing is that you can choose to change how you feel and how you want to behave now and in the future.

 3) Be your best friend

How do you treat yourself? What do you say to yourself? What are your thoughts? Do you put yourself down? Do you even verbally abuse yourself? Many of my clients have shared with me the kind of things that they say to themselves and it’s no wonder they have low levels of confidence. I often ask my clients if they would say such things to their best friend. So often, they look shocked. One replied: “No way, I wouldn’t have any friends if I did that!”

So, start to be aware how you treat yourself: awareness is the first step to change. Choose to be kind to yourself and be your best friend. Recognise your own strengths and develop these, noticing each day what you do well, encouraging yourself. Get yourself a journal and each day write down what you are pleased about for that day and the reasons why. By being kind to yourself, you are showing yourself respect. Start to notice what goes well, day-by-day then, step-by-step your confidence will grow.

4) Take control of your emotions

We humans have amazing imaginations and these can have a powerful effect on us, good and bad. We do need to be mindful of the negative. You may have a particular event in the future you are dreading: speaking in public, a social situation, an interview… And you
might imagine a number of disasters happening. This can trigger a whole multitude of emotions, fear often being one of them. Perhaps you have heard the acronym of fear?

“False Evidence Appearing Real”.

Two ways to enable you to deal with situations that, potentially, could knock your confidence are:

•  Imagine yourself in five years’ time and you’re reflecting on the difficult situation you’ve found yourself in. Ask yourself: “is this really a big deal?” Would you even remember it? Put things into perspective. You will find most situations are really not so important in the big scheme of things.
• Write down all the things that could possibly go wrong in a given scenario and what action you can take to mitigate the risk. By facing your fears head on, and with pre-meditated solutions, you may be surprised how confidence grows as a result.

 5) Mind / body control

 If you stand tall and relaxed, with your weight balanced evenly on both your legs, you may notice you start to feel more relaxed. If you start to fidget, or allow yourself to be
overcome with negative emotions, you may start to feel nervous or anxious. Our minds and bodies are intertwined, with each communicating with the other how we are feeling. I’ve discovered one of the easiest ways to cope with situations where you want to feel more confident is to “act as if”.

For example, if you have a social occasion to attend, bring to mind someone you know who oozes confidence. Use that wonderful imagination of yours. How would they dress? How would they move their bodies? What would they talk about? Imagine you are watching a movie of them at the social event or, better still, if you get the opportunity, watch them in action.

Such people are worth searching out so that you have them as a great role model. Watch them carefully and in detail. What do they do with their hands? What’s the tone of their
voice? How do they use eye contact with you and others in the room?

Once you have done your research, put it into practice. Start acting this way when out and about with people who don’t know you. When out shopping is a great proving ground. Keep practicing every day (“Practice makes perfect” was my school motto). The more you practice, the easier it becomes and, before you know it, it will come naturally to you. Remember that you are your own unique person, learn the skills from others and bring your own personality into the equation. Confidence is a skill as well as a mindset, and skills can be learned. By anyone.

And finally…

The exploration and growth of confidence is a wonderful journey to travel upon. It liberates you, making you more relaxed, happier with life, able to overcome challenges more quickly and increasingly willing to take action to achieve what you want from life.

So, look inwards, be fair on yourself and, above all, be kind to yourself. Then, take action and see the positive impact increased confidence will have on your life.

If you don’t make any changes, then no changes will be made.

Over the next few weeks I will be sending you links to my articles on specific confidence issues that many people suffer from, including Overcoming Perfectionism and Overcoming Nerves when Presenting.

If there are any particular areas you would like me to cover – do let me know by contacting me at lindsey@glows-coaching.co.uk

And if you would like to invest in developing and growing your own Confidence levels you may be interesting in booking on the next Confidence Workshop or ordering the Confidence Home Study Programme